From The Bottom Of My Broken Heart

When I put on my thick fugly glasses after munching down the Chipsmore I bought from Petronas, I knew I was going to write something unusual. I haven’t written anything original for such a long time and I wonder if I’m still capable of scoring an A in an essay competition or get my article sent to Japan like the one I wrote back in High School.

I’ve got no maps in my head right now so pardon me if I go with the flow of my mind. My soul is wandering wild. Searching for an inspiration. Rummaging through my old memories for a similar opening. Hoping for an end to all the chaos and hopelessness I’ve been feeling for the past few days. Or weeks. Or months.

I just turned my mp3 player off. I need to write something down, desperately. The silence echoing in the darkness bears no resemblance to the silence playing too loud inside of me. The streetlights were not lit tonight. I wonder what went wrong with the lights? Maybe it’s feeling a little bit lonely too. Bringing light to people, apparently, is not as easy as I thought it was.

High school huh? How far away is that? When I was in high school? The earlier days? Everyone was better looking than me. Everyone was popular. I wasn’t. I was with a lot of people, socializing like a moth to fire. But I never settled down to a group of them. I called myself a loner, even though I know many people, not a lot of them cared about me. And I didn’t care about them as much as I hoped I did. Friends came and go. Friendship is a precious thing isn’t it? But not to me back then. I was always the one left out when there’s a barbeque party. I was always the one asking my classmates when the next one is, knowing that I would not be invited but still trying to be a part of the gang.

And so I changed myself. Into another person. With a brighter person. I always smiled and hoped that people would smile back. I tried to hate people less because I know they might hate me just as much if not more. I lied a lot to cover my feelings. I made a lot of friends since then. I was.. popular. And I became more accepted for I had no emotions. I did not throw tantrums. I listened to everybody’s story without a story of my own. Was I happy back then? I guess I was, somehow happy. Who wouldn’t be? I had “friends”.

Leaving high school was a new start. Looking for new people to start my life with was fun. Fresh faces were everywhere when I came to KL. I knew I looked like a nerd. You know, the dye job and the thick glasses, which I am wearing now, did not give out pleasurable impressions. But the people didn’t seem too bad. As a matter of fact they didn’t seem bad at all. I blended in perfectly. Some of them didn’t even know I was from Ipoh because of my English.

I’ve had tons of friends since then. And at a point of my life I felt that friendship was all I ever needed, other than my own family and of course, money. And I thought I was the happiest person in the world because I became hugely popular in college for the things I did and all my friends are great people and they care. They care a lot.

And then someone stepped into my life and changed my perspective of online friend-making. Noel Hector was the first person with a penis that I fell in love with, I’m being blunt. We talked. And talked. And talked. And talked. Night after night. Day after day. I knew he didn’t like me at first because of my over bubbly attitude. But eventually we became emotionally attached to each other. Sending messages to a person and telling him how beautiful fireworks on independence day reminded himself about the person? He did that. And I was attracted. And I met up with him. But somehow things didn’t work out as smooth as I hoped it would. I pissed him off one night by being too pushy. Asking him for an answer that neither of us were able to give each other. And he backed away.

The first cut was the deepest. And when I was having problems with Noel, someone came to my rescue. Remi Helmay was the name. He told me what I needed to do to start a relationship and how things work in the gay world. He planned dates for me and Noel to try to patch things up between us. He failed miserably because Noel’s heart was apparently somewhere else. And I became a little bit too close to Remi. I talked to him everynight when Noel ignored me. He hated it. He said it bored him listening to my constant grumbling. But he cared a lot. He came to my place to bring me out for dinner when I lost my wallet even though he lived extremely far away. He treated me the way I never thought of being treated. He made me feel… whole. Things got out of hand when we planned a date. It was supposed to be him coming to accompany me to my friend’s first stage play. But then when he came and took away my first kiss, everything spiraled out of control.

Remi was a brave man. He was small when it comes to his body size. But he had a big heart. Even though he knew I was having a crush on his best friend slash housemate, he wanted to love me. To him, I was a big kid. One who was hurt because he couldn’t get what he wanted. And Remi promised to give me what I wanted. Someone who cared. Someone more than just a friend. He gave me everything I needed and took my heart over. Complete victory. I became lost because of that. And I was blind enough to think that things would work out even though he had a three year boyfriend.

Ben was nice. I was friends with him too because I met both of them through Noel. I knew he was Remi’s boyfriend. And I told Remi the day we shared the kiss that I did not want to be a bad person. And Remi understood. He made a decision. One that he regretted soon after. He broke up with Ben. Ben must have hated me. I was devastated. And I was not as happy as I thought I would be when Remi announced the news. And when he realized that he couldn’t dump Ben because they still had feelings for each other, he decided to stop seeing me. Stop everything we had. Or everything we almost had.

I was never the boyfriend. I was just... the big kid. And so I lost three friends because of what happened. Noel blamed me for everything. Remi wouldn’t talk to me because he didn’t want me to think there was still hope for us. As for Ben, go figure how he had felt.

In less than a week I was in my first “real” relationship. Eric seemed to be the perfect person on the outside, with his charming and goofy looks and good sense of fashion. I didn’t quite fall in love with him. I was hoping to love someone so badly that I asked him to be with me on our second date. The second day I met him. Everyone comes in a package. Eric was no exception. He had flaws I thought I could deal with. But I couldn’t. And I asked for a breakup after two months of being together.

And so you might be thinking, wow, Kevin gets new guys very fast. I do agree on some level, I do. I wanted to experience things. I wanted to love and feel loved. I wanted to be wanted. And somehow I found out that what I wanted was not what I wanted at all. I became heartbroken when I realized that the feelings for Remi was still strong after I broke up with Eric. But I knew nothing would work out because he loved someone else. He loved me too. But he loved the other person more. And I couldn’t do anything to change that. I wouldn’t.

And many would think that the journey towards another relationship begins with Kevin being single. No, I promised myself that I would take a break if things didn’t work out with Eric. And they didn’t. I loved him more than he loved me. Maybe love was too much. So much… that love itself just wasn’t enough.

I tried to see people again. But this time around, I don’t feel anything anymore. I somehow felt reluctant to even like a person. I shut off everyone who tried to get too close to me. I went out with people but my heart was empty and I guess they felt it too. And so none bothered to call, after I rejected all their calls. I found out that I was indeed wanted. I am still not good looking. But I am wanted, somehow. It’s just that this time, I don’t want anything, anymore. I’ve met some people that I would really like if I didn’t have the terrible experiences. But I didn’t give anybody any chances. I kept shutting myself off. Even a friend asked me what had happened because he couldn’t feel anything from me anymore. It was as if I were… straight, again.

I talked to Andre the other night about the way I feel right now. I just don’t feel the same. Love exists. I felt it once. But I wasn’t lucky enough to keep it. And now I’m not even sure if I am meant to have it. I can’t feel love anymore. I still get emotionally attached to someone I met online. But I was too afraid to open up my heart. And I ended the feeling before it was even fully developed. I’m not sure how I feel about love anymore. I wish it would feel like the first time. Because if anything, I think I’ve lost the will to love. I want to give myself a chance too. But it's weird. Maybe I just don't wanna get hurt. Maybe I just don't wanna go through the same emotions. When I was little I wanted a perfect relationship. Falling in love with a pretty girl. Getting married and buying a house and then have lots of kids. Staying in love forever. But now, forever seems so far that I doubt it even exists anymore.

Sometimes things become so still, I don’t even know if I were alive. Or dead.

But who cares?

As for my friends, I don’t know what I could have done without you. You’re all I have. And there’s always a space in my heart for you no matter how cold I feel towards love. Because you guys are my only hope to feeling loved again. And that’s why I love you.

Yours truly,
Kevin Chong