The Palest Green I've Ever Seen

Kevin, the king of wishful thinking.

Everyone stared at him in awe as the old man started mumbling in a gibberish language. I was wondering how long it would take for him to get one duck ready and how long it would take for me to get mine. It was past 9pm, and I was hungry.

The hasty ringing of my phone indicated no mercy and patience as it went off. Jumping off rather quickly and leaving the duck and the old man behind, I picked up the white little phone just to see that the caller was unidentified. I did not stop to think of the possibility of who it could have been, even though for a split second my brain came up with the image of Mel picking up the phone and answering a call from The Body Shop before she completely woke up.

"Hello." I was polite. And I was more than half-awake.
"..."
"Hello there. This is Kevin." If it had been a call from my future employer, they would have thought I was an early riser and an overly optimistic person from how I sounded.

"Eh babi, salah nombor la." And the phone went dead.

Fuck you. Fuck your mother's cunt.

*

It was flattering, really, when the men started making faces at me. When one of them started following me around like a puppy and when two bravely bought me drinks. My thoughts drifted away to the other night at Maison, constantly. But I kept restraining myself. Don't you go there, Kevin. Not tonight.

No, this Friday night was going to be fun. I silently told myself as I realized that I was not wearing my glasses nor contacts, which rendered me useless when it comes to spotting the beautiful.


"Are you lost?"
"It's not a big place. So, no, I'm not lost."
"You look confused."
"Well, I probably am."
"What is bothering you?"
Who IS this guy?
"Are you confused about your your sexual interest?"

I could feel his palm sliding up my jumper, his thumb rubbed me at all the right places. Just that it felt really, really wrong.

"No, I'm not. Excuse me."

I sat there alone at the corner, playing with my phone and talking to my friends. They seemed eager to get laid. Well, two of them anyway. Jamie was not that happy. Maybe because his ex-BFF was making out with this ugly looking 28 year old who looked more like he was ten years older than he claimed to be.

I smiled at some guy and looked away. Jamie gave me a face and asked why I was being so anti-social. I was not. I smiled at the guy, and that was a lot to ask for from someone in my mood. And he's not that cute.

"Oh, this is my friend Kevin." Jon was somewhat excited. He could be high for all I knew. He never stopped drinking since we came in and we had already been there for more than an hour. He gave me this huge grin while he introduced Chad to me. The hot, tall, muscular and confident model who knew almost every single one person that night.

"Hi there, um, Kelvin?" Gawd I hate that.
"Nope, it's Kevin."
"I've never seen you before."
"He's a virgin to Frangi." Jon exclaimed. Was it really an exciting thing to say?
"Oh, really, we should kiss him."

Oh dear Lord, no.

"No, it's okay. I'm not a big fan of kissing." Not with strangers anyway.
"Why not?" He had beautiful eyes. Well, Panasonic model what.
"I went to the club a few months back and hit on this guy but ended up getting kissed by all his friends and one of them just frenched me and I thought it was quite a rude thing to do."
"He frenched you?"
"Yeah, he's probably crazy."
"No, it's because you're cute." Shit. He's one hot motherfucker.

I smiled distantly. He offered me his drink. I knew I was being ridiculous when I refused to use his straw. Rum coke. It was not so bad. Actually the drinks I had were not bad at all. I went in and got myself a Heineken, which got my face red right after the first glass. The Jon offered me his Mohito. And then Chad offered me his rum coke. And then there was this dude who bought me another Heineken. And then Leon (who is probably the only guy I like) bought me a gin tonic. My face was crimson and I laughed along wildly with people that planted kisses on my face. People I knew nothing about. People I wanted to have nothing to do with. Everyone wanted to talk to Chad. Everyone wanted to kiss him. Everyone stared at me when I backed off while he offered to kiss.

Where's CJ? Would he be here?

My eyes could not travel far. I didn't even recognize Will.
"Hey Kev!"
"Hi Will, how are you?"
"Great, you're here alone?"
"Nope, friends. You?"
"Same here. You look a bit drunk."
"No, I'm pretty sure I'm not. It's just the face."

I asked him if he was attending the wedding. He said he was and that he had talked to Naomi about hosting the wedding with me and some other college mates that he thought had potential. I asked him if RedFM was hiring and he said definitely. Then I, successfully, asked him out for lunch.

Oh, Chef Wan was there as well. We were like old friends even though I knew nothing about him other than his famed gay cooking techniques. It was hilarious when his friends tried to kiss me thinking that I was one of them.

"You look familiar, have I seen you on TV?"
"I'm pretty sure you haven't."
"Do you wanna dance?"
"Maybe next time, I've gotta go. Friends."

I waved bye to Will and the chef and also this beefy dude I once saw on TV. The night was long. But I had my share of fun watching people. It was interesting, really. I kept asking myself why was I not letting myself be one of them. Carefree. Fuck-free. Jon was having a blast mindlessly kissing men across the room. He had had three ejaculations at the end of the night and one of those were contributed by his erotic escapade in the restroom with three other men, which I found pretty bizarre. But what awed me was when he started looking tipsy and started touching me in places and asking if I was having a hardon.

"No, why should I?"
"Cos I'm touching you."
"Oh, well. Then you'd know I'm not interested by now."

He laughed. Jon was one cocky guy. Cute, but not irresistible.

"I am desperate." Paul suddenly said.
"Why?"
"I wanna get laid so bad and I wanna make out with someone."
"I can ask someone to come over." Yeah, I could.
"No, leave those to yourselves."
"I'm really not into making out with strangers." Maybe I should have been.
"Awww fuck.. I'm so sad."
"Well Paul, if you keep telling yourself that you're sad and desperate then you'll just come across as an easy target. And you'll look pathetic. So stop putting yourself down. No one comes to a bar looking for a boyfriend. Don't expect nice conversations. Just fuck them."
"Ugh, that coming from you?"
"Well, I'm in love." I was?
"You are?" Am I?
"Never mind. Just go mingle, you'll get your man."

Because men are pigs and they are just for fucks.

*

It was agonizing to wake up the next day after all that drinking. I nearly fell onto the floor when I woke up on Saturday. But it didn't stop me from hitting the book fair. I'd have bought so many books if I had the money. But I've seven books at hand right now and I've not finished them.

Jasmine was bored. I was not up to another night at LaQueen.

I went down to KLCC for the first time since someone told me that going there was a dramatic move. I didn't know why I was carrying the big Deloitte bag. The only thing I had in there was a a book and my player. I sat at where people smoked in front of Maxis Tower for quite a while until the smoke got to me. I cleared my thoughts and texted Jasmine that I was there.

We went for a walk at the park after half an hour of talking about our individual Friday nights. Hers included someone calling her at 3 in the morning and mine included someone asking ridiculous questions.



Jasmine and I wandered through the place CJ and I used to walk around. I didn't let the memories take me in. I was out because I want to be with my friends so I didn't have to be bothered by my emotions. I know suppressing them is not the best way, but if I don't, I seriously have no idea what I'd do. I guess after a long while of ignoring your emotions, even the deepest sorrow will falter and my penetrating despair would eventually lose its edge.

Then Jasmine went for a trim.

And guess what, I joined her. Hah!
It wasn't half as bad as I thought it would be.
It turned out to be, well, neat. And thank God it's
not really noticeable. Hmm. Good one Kevin.

Eman joined us at 8 for dinner and we went to watch Step Up 2. I didn't see the first one but the sequel was pretty much enjoyable. Mindless fun. You don't get too involved with the characters, you just watch them dance and (sometimes) make fools out of themselves.


Eman parked his car near Avenue K. I mentally pushed away more flashbacks. We took some crazy pictures near the escalator and then drove to a small hilltop-like mamak near Jasmine's place. Eman and I talked a lot in his car on the way back. He is a strong guy. And he knew what was right and what was wrong. But at the end the emotions still take up a big part in your mind and you think of maybes and what-ifs. You start being analytical. You start to read between the lines and have thoughts that you know is irrational.

Oh, we're both Leos. What the heck.

It's 1203h now, Sunday. My cousins would be here in 30 minutes and we will be spending the entire day at god-knows-where. I didn't bother to ask. I just didn't want to be alone and let my mind wander. I just want to be out there so that I can perhaps be a little further away from myself. Because inside I keep struggling, and I'm already dying.

Ugh, my dying inner self shines in this picture lol.

Are you happy now?
Kevin C.